FIGHTS WITH OTHERS

Is your child on the outs with her friends? As tempting as it is, jumping in to solve her tiffs isn't the best solution.

When our children have a fight with one of their friends, it's very tempting to want to step in and wave a magic wand to make it all better. After all, it's difficult to see your child hurt. Of course if a child is being physically and verbally abused, we need to step in, perhaps by speaking to a teacher or parent. But if the hurt is due to a tiff between a couple of friends, our best reaction is to simply listen says pediatrician Dr. Kathryn Leonard. "I think so often a child will come home from school and tell you of something awful a friend did to them and our response will be to tell them to forget about it and that this person wasn't a good friend anyway. It’s an attempt to make a child feel better. It’s more important to be noncommittal and ask about what happened, how they feel, and to just be on the receiving end of things. There is no way a parent can help them feel better by telling them not to feel bad."

Parent educator Sarah Dimmerman agrees. "If a child has been hurt by one of his friends at school, a parent shouldn't immediately jump in and try to change the situation, instead they should focus on their own child's thoughts and feelings, help them problem solve, and see what their options are in dealing with the situation the next time."

Michelle Borba, author of "Esteem Builders" adds that when a child is having trouble making or keeping friends, parents may need to hone their detective skills to "see if you can pinpoint where the problem is. So often they're saying that they're having problems with friends. This is too general. See if there's a specific problem like sharing or conversing. Pinpoint it and then reteach it as a skill by modeling how to do that one area. "

Finally, it really helps if children know that no matter what storm they're weathering at school, they are 100% supported by their parents on the home front says Dimmerman. "It's always important for children to know, especially when they're about to go into grade one, that they have a really open and good relationship with their parents to talk about what's happened."

MAKE FRIENDS

Socializing is one of the most complex skills a child will learn. As parents, we can do a lot to help them develop these skills positively.

Even as toddlers, friends play a special role in children's lives. Friendship helps build self esteem and teach empathy. But the seeds of friendship begin before the toddler years, planted when our children are still infants.

Child psychiatrist Dr. Alice Charach explains that "friendship actually begins at birth because the basic building block of friendship is that special relationship between a child and his parent. After children have developed really strong, trusting relationships with their mom or dad, they can then go on and expand their world." Dr. Charach adds that "children start to expand their world around age one or two, when they become interested in other children. They want to be with them, play with them, and watch them. And that is when it's really helpful for parents to start coaching them in what is the best way in getting along with other children."

Making friends begins with learning how to play. "The first type of play that you’ll see your child engage in is solitary play," says child life specialist Bindy Sweet. That means playing alone or watching others. People get concerned about children playing alone or watching others and they think that it isn’t really play. But it’s fine for children to have time alone and watch others."

At about 18 months we begin to see children engage in parallel play. "That’s the kind of play we often get when toddlers get together," says Sweet. "They’re playing side by side but doing different things. They’re getting comfortable with each other and watching each other, but we wouldn’t really call it interactive play at that point. Soon however they will move into co-operative play where you see that back and forth exchange and communication."

During the toddler years friendship can involve little fights and bouts of crying. But Dr. Charach says many fights can be avoided by preparing children for visits with friends. "If you want to help young children develop friendships, then make sure they're not tired and hungry when they're with little friends. Help them feel good at the time that they're with their friends and they are more likely to have positive experiences."

CHOOSING A PRESCHOOL

Preschool is a big step for a child. Make sure the one you’re sending your little one to is right for him.

Sending your child off to nursery or preschool is a big step for both children and parents. After all, it’s usually children’s first taste of true independence and possibly the first time they’ll have been separated from parents or caregivers on a regular basis.

Naturally you’ll want to choose the best nursery or preschool possible for your child. But what should you look for? According to preschool consultant Dr. Jennifer Hardacre, "the most important thing to consider is the teacher, in that all preschool teachers should be well qualified and show an interest in your child’s particular needs. They should also have a degree in early childhood education or it’s equivalent."

Something else to look for is the way the nursery school program is presented. Dr. Hardacre feels that young children need an atmosphere that “is relaxed and low-key, and that has plenty of time for individual children to pursue their own interests. So for instance you might see in the morning for as much as an hour, many different activities for children to engage themselves in. That’s where you see the sand play available, and the water play and the dramatic play and the big blocks and puzzles, and art materials. There should be plenty of time for individual activities to go on.”

Of course songs and games are a major component of the preschool experience. However Dr. Hardacre adds that it’s best if “group activities are brief and pleasant and not dominated by requirements to sit up and sit still.”

Overall, nursery school should be far less structured than what your child will experience when they reach grade one and their formal education begins in earnest. Dr. Hardacre says you’ll know if a nursery school is right for your child by researching the school, asking good questions of the teachers and by listening to your intuition. “I think if the adult gets the feeling of being relaxed and comfortable, then the children likely feel relaxed and comfortable too. "

STRUGGLING SCHOOL-AGE BOYS

A new study says parents are right to worry about their sons.

Every other week it seems a new study comes out that adds to our already-formidable arsenal of parental worries. But even by those escalating standards, the report issued last week by the federal government's National Center for Health Statistics contained a jaw-dropper: the parents of nearly one of every five boys in the United States were concerned enough about what they saw as their sons' emotional or behavioral problems that they consulted a doctor or a health-care professional.

The report confirms what many of us have been observing for some time now: that lots of school-age boys are struggling. And, parents are intensely worried about them.

What is ailing our sons? Some experts suggest we are witnessing an epidemic of ADHD and say boys need more medication. Others say that environmental pollutants found in plastics, among other things, may be eroding their attention spans and their ability to regulate their emotions.

Those experts may be right but I have another suggestion. Let's examine the way our child rearing and our schools have evolved in the last 10 years. Then ask ourselves this challenging question: could some of those changes we have embraced in our families, our communities and our schools be driving our sons crazy?

Instead of unstructured free play, parents now schedule their kids' time from dawn till dusk (and sometimes beyond.) By age 4, an ever-increasing number of children are enrolled in preschool. There, instead of learning to get along with other kids, hold a crayon and play Duck, Duck, Goose, children barely out of diapers are asked to fill out work sheets, learn computation or study Mandarin. The drumbeat for early academics gets even louder when they enter "real" school. Veteran teachers will tell you that first graders are now routinely expected to master a curriculum that, only 15 years ago, would have been considered appropriate for second, even third graders. The way we teach children has changed, too. In many communities, elementary schools have become test-prep factories—where standardized testing begins in kindergarten and "teaching to the test" is considered a virtue. At the same time, recess is being pushed aside in order to provide extra time for reading and math drills. So is history and opportunities for hands-on activities—like science labs and art. Active play is increasingly frowned on—some schools have even banned recess and tag. In the wake of school shootings like the tragedy at Virginia Tech, kids who stretch out a pointer finger, bend their thumb and shout "pow!" are regarded with suspicion and not a little fear.

Our expectations for our children have been ramped up but the psychological and physical development of our children has remained about the same. Some kids are thriving in the changing world. But many aren't. What parents and teachers see—and what this government study now shows—is that the ones who can't handle it are disproportionately boys.

Some researchers responded to last weeks' study by calling for more resources for more mental-health services for children—especially males. That's an admirable goal. But when nearly one in five boys has such serious behavioral and emotional issues that their parents are talking it over with their pediatrician, you can bet we are facing a problem that requires a more fundamental change in our society than medication or weekly therapy. Let's take a moment, before the school year gets any farther underway, and ask ourselves whether we are raising and educating our boys in a way that respects their natural development. And if we are not, let's figure out how we can bring our family life and our schools back into line.

SUCCESFUL APPROACHES IN EDUCATION

Successful Approaches to Family Involvement in Education

This idea is intended to assist educators, parents, and policy makers as they develop and nurture school-family partnerships. These district and school programs enhance parent-school communications and help parents support their children's academic work at school and at home.

Some of the programs involve parents in school planning and governance activities and as volunteers. Some also provide coordinated essential non-educational services for families to support their children's academic development. Telephone interviews with staff and parents at these programs as well as focus group interviews with parents provided the detailed illustrations of specific strategies for overcoming barriers to parent involvement included here.

This idea suggests ways that schools, families, and communities can work together to build strong partnerships. It is organized around strategies for overcoming common barriers to family involvement in schools. These strategies include:

• Overcoming time and resource constraints. In order to build strong partnerships, families and school staff members need time to get to know one another, plan how they will work together to increase student learning, and carry out their plans. Successful programs find the time and resources for both teachers and parents to develop school-family partnerships.
  
• Providing information and training to parents and school staff. Without the information and skills to communicate with each other, misperceptions and distrust can flourish between parents and school personnel. Initiatives to bridge the information gap between parents and school are at the center of each of the 20 programs reviewed for this Idea Book. Through workshops and a variety of outreach activities such as informative newsletters, handbooks, and home visits, parents and school staff across these programs are learning how to trust each other and work together to help children succeed in school.
  
• Restructuring schools to support family involvement. Developing a successful school-family partnership must be a whole school endeavor, not the work of a single person or program. Traditional school organization and practices, especially in secondary schools, often discourage family members from becoming involved. To create a welcoming environment for parents, one that enlists their support in helping their children succeed, schools can make changes that make them more personal and inviting places. Whatever steps schools take in developing partnerships with families, schools that are most successful are prepared to reconsider all of their established ways of doing business and to restructure in ways that will make them less hierarchical, more personal, and more accessible to parents.
  
• Bridging school-family differences. Language and cultural differences as well as differences in educational attainment separating families and school staff can make communication and family participation in school activities difficult. Strategies to address these differences include reaching out to parents with little formal education, addressing language differences through bilingual services for communicating both orally and in writing with families about school programs and children's progress, and promoting cultural understanding to build trust between home and school.
  
• Tapping external supports for partnerships. Many Title I schools have nourished and strengthened partnerships by tapping the supports available in their local communities and beyond. Collaborative efforts to provide schools and families with the tools they need to support learning can include partnerships with local businesses, health care and other community service agencies, and colleges and universities, as well as supports provided by school districts and states.

FAMILIES AND SCHOOL AS PARTNERS

If families are to work with schools as partners in the education of their children, schools must provide them with the opportunities and support they need to become involved. Too often schools expect families to do it all alone. Developing effective partnerships with families requires that all school staff (administrators, teachers, and support staff) create a school environment that welcomes parents and encourages them to raise questions and voice their concerns as well as to participate appropriately in decision making. Developing partnerships also requires that school staff provide parents with the information and training they need to become involved and that they reach out to parents with invitations to participate in their children's learning.

Schools that are most successful in engaging parents and other family members in support of their children's learning look beyond traditional definitions of parent involvement--participating in a parent teacher organization or signing quarterly report cards--to a broader conception of parents as full partners in the education of their children. Rather than striving only to increase parent participation in school-based activities, successful schools seek to support families in their activities outside of school that can encourage their children's learning. Schools that have developed successful partnerships with parents view student achievement as a shared responsibility, and all stakeholders--including parents, administrators, teachers, and community leaders--play important roles in supporting children's learning.

Successful school-family partnerships require the sustained mutual collaboration, support, and participation of school staffs and families at home and at school in activities that can directly affect the success of children's learning. If families are to work with schools as full partners in the education of their children, schools must provide them with the opportunities and support they need for success.

PARENTING TIPS

A Well-Balanced Meal: Fighting Childhood Obesity

When the mont with it warmer spring weather and new beginnings, making it the perfect time to begin a healthier and more active lifestyle. Making good food choices helps the entire family stay healthy and is especially important to help children develop strong bones and muscles.

At the most schools, the teachers may integrate nutrition into daily activities to help children learn to make good food choices, as well as learn how food helps keep their bodies healthy and strong. Students learn to identify nutritious foods as part of the Balanced Learning® curriculum, practice healthy habits and life skills during the regular school day, and even grow their own fruits and vegetables in an on site garden.

Teachers find that integrating health, nutrition, and physical activity into daily experiences and routines helps to promote health and well-being as a way of life. Here are a few tips to help you and your family set the early foundations for a lifetime of healthy choices:

• Make mealtime family time and set a good example. Turn off the television and try to eat at least one meal a day together as a family. Children tend to eat more fruits, vegetables, and dairy when they watch adults and older siblings do the same at shared meals.
• Get the family involved in meal planning and preparation. Set guidelines for healthy meals and ask each family member to select a meal for the week by leafing through magazines, recipe books, or browsing online for healthy meal options. Grocery shop together as family and point out healthy foods as you go.
• Make healthy foods readily available. Keep healthy snacks—fruit, whole-grain crackers, vegetable sticks, cheese, etc.—at eye-level in the pantry and refrigerator. Store these items in a variety of locations such as the car, in backpacks and purses, etc. so they are readily available when needed.
• Incorporate fruits and vegetables into favorite family recipes. Chop fruit and vegetables and add them to family favorites such as pizza, pasta sauce, lean hamburger, etc. for a quick and easy way to increase your family’s fruit and vegetable intake.
• Eat a variety of colors at each meal. Incorporating colorful fruits, vegetables, and low fat cheeses into meals with more neutral-colored proteins and starches is a simple way to ensure a balance of vitamins and nutrients at every meal.
• Balance good food choices with an active lifestyle. Encourage everyone in the family to be active, whether it means playing outside, being involved in sports, joining a gym, etc. Balancing healthy eating with physical activity helps each family member maintain optimum health.